Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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