dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
