I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
