Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
