What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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