I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
birth control should be required to get into college
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
