Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
