I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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