In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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