The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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