i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
