shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
