That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
