I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
