I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
