Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
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I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage