Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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