It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos