so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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