i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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