I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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