Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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