she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
