I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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