I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
