Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
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I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
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You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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