WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
