Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Randomize
