Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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