I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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