would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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