Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
