i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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