this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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