The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
