why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
