I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
