Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
