You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
