meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
