A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
