i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
