He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
