I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
