her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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