meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I fill condoms, not promises.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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