cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
