I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
