I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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