I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
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