Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
