thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
