Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
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its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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