What a fucking waste of an outfit
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
