Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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