I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
