we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
