I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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