Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize