If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
