I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
