the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
