be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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